the 3rd~~is it morning?
"removing the paint"

so, since i have a wonderful friend that loves to play with my site, i no longer have to include a title in each entry...it does it for me!! so, if the past month's entries look a bit odd (i.e. two titles) that is why!!
my nails hurt. no, this is NOT a normal reaction, but it is because i decided to do something *gasp* girly for a change. abby got her nails done. lord help us all.

i mean nothing to you and i don't know why

so recent happenings, huh? jill and i found an apartment that's really freakin nice. and i'm thinking that it's all going to work out...which makes me really freakin happy. and sunday night...my louis took me to dinner at this wonderful little greek restaurant...*sigh*. he's just...wonderful. simply wonderful. do you realize how many typos i've had from these nails? well, of course you don't realize, i fix them, but just know that the list is long and undistinguished. heehee. :)

maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know how to back down

and last night...oh, it was awesome. every time i'm with him, things just get better and better. just simply better. i can't explain it, it's just like a dreamworld. yeah. that's it. so last night, i had the urge to cook. now, since this doesn't happen very often, i definately took advantage of it, and made a wonderful dinner for louis and i. heehee...i'm thinking it helped calm him down. let me tell you, there's nothing like having sarah maclachlan turned up really loud and dancing and singing while cooking dinner inbetween kisses. it was just, great!!! thank you SO much misi. just thank you.

i guess i've always known i'll be on my own...i don't know why

so i have this really strange thought that keeps recurring in this warped head of mine. sunday, i was driving to jill's, when i passed a church with a sign that intrigued me and got me thinking...now, this wasn't a normal reaction, so figured that i could analyze it. and this is just the perfect place. okay...well, this made me think that i had to confess everything that's going on in my life to someone. someone religious at that. i'm not catholic...why would i do that? i have no idea. then i felt like i should go and tell someone that i wanted to change my lifestyle...that i wasn't happy with what i was doing. what's up with that? i have no idea...because i think i'm happy with my life right now. i don't know...how do you know when you're truly happy? i know how to tell when you're NOT happy, believe me, i know.
also, i have the urge to tell someone everything. everything about me. starting from the beginning, uncovering the lies, removing the paint that hides my soul. imagine that...letting someone in...to see me. all of me. i don't think i can fathom the bareness of my soul...i can't imagine how vulnerable i'll feel. but i have a good feeling that i've found someone that i can "undress" for and not feel threatened. my only worry is if he'll still care after the mask and paint are removed...because i don't know how i'll feel. i've never opened my life like this...and i have this strange feeling that it's what i need. it's what i need right now.

and then you missed me while you're looking for yourself out there

next dilemma: my UE surprise. so...i'm going to let it out here...because i need help. i was planning on going to visit at the end of this month...the 19th through the 25th, actually. now, as i think about it more and more, i get terrified. the last time everyone there saw me, i was truly in my worst condition. now, i'm not saying that i'm a lot better, but i can wake up and face the world now...and i just don't know how being there is going to effect me. i think i'm still pretty fragile, and i don't want to relapse. no, i don't have cancer...although this feels just as dreary. help. should i stay or should i go?

i can't take this any longer, it won't heal until i'm stronger...strong enough to not be afraid