the seventh...again~~time to study
"loving to be loved and missing that love"

feeling: nostalgic, missing something...someone

listening to: bob dylan, knocking on heaven's door

wanting: a good cry, a friendly hug, a walk in the rain

watching: the clouds pass over the full moon as i tryto study

listening to: third eye blind, motorcycle drive by

wanting: something from my past...security, comfort. the felling you get when you're held tight...

welcome to my day. it's been a rather great day...but i'm nostalgic. i'm missing the comfort i get from having someone else there. i'm missing the reassurance, the solidity i know. i'm missing...everyone who's ever told me they loved me...and meant it. i hear others talking about using love lightly. and yes, i have loved a few people, but i have never said the words without having butterflies. without shaking inside first and having my heart skip a couple beats as i anticipate the kiss. the warm rush from my arms to my heart as he hugs me. i miss love. natalie was always right...i love to be loved. who doesn't? the assurance of having that heart to comfort yours. the hands to take yours...to hold your heart like it's so fragile you'll die if it's dropped. someone knowing how you like to be kissed, how you like to be held, how you hate letting go. if they only knew how much i cried...how it broke me down and it hurt SO much to be built back up. but i'm still going. i'm still loving...it's what i'm good at. funny thing...every comforting one that i've had, i've gone back to at least once...and that scares me. but not my joey...not him. i always told him that fate would bring us back together again. i didn't know when, i didn't know how, but i was SURE of it. well, now i'm pretty sure that i don't believe in fate...i just don't. he's engaged...definately engaged. if fate is real, then it lies...and i just don't believe that something that is supposed to affect your life for the better would be that harsh and cruel to your face. so that's my view on fate. i know, i'm a sappy old fool, but i love to be loved. and what do you know, the best month for that is here! yeah, i can remember three guys that have meant something to me on this day...the first. andrew...my first love. we started "going out", if you will, on valentine's day, 1996. then there was willard...whom i had to watch him profess his love for his best friend that night...when i still loved him. that was awful. then, the last time, last year, paul. he was great. he was awful. it was a relationship that i learned so much from. he taught me to realize that things aren't always as they seem...and that if you think something's going to happen, there's a large chance that it will. he taught me not to trust people so easily, and to try to understand motives before i let myself love someone. physicalities have always been my downfall...and that's kinda sad. i'm 19 and i'm already criticizing myself. i really feel sorry for the man who marries me and my emotional baggage. he better be ready for my love...it's coming full, strong, and ready. i heard a wonderful line on a show today...yeah, it was said by a gay guy, and yeah, it was on dawson's creek, but it was still wonderful. i'm scared that i'll be alone. i'm scared that i'll never find a guy that i love as much as you. that led to a wonderfully sweet kiss that was probably wrong, but it was still amazing. i long for someone to love me so much that they're scared they'll never find someone that they love as much. it's not too much to ask, because it's my dream. well, that, and changing my name to doctor. that will be awesome.

listening to: seven mary three, lucky

feeling: unwanted...wanting to be loved and wanted

needing: to cry...uninterrupted tears of angst that will flow until i'm dry.

i think i'll go walk. i just want to walk. and walk.