5-15~~afternoon
"mysterious world"

you know, life is interesting. the people you expect to fuck you over, usually do and the ones you don't expect to get are the ones you usually don't. the nice people are always the ones to say the worst shit behind your back and the honest ones usually aren't. sometimes i wonder which of those i am, then i remember that you can't really classify everyone into a category. that's naive. but i do know that there's a little bit of every one of those in me, which still worries me. what kind of person would like me if i fucked them over,played hard to get, talked behind their back and i wasn't honest to them? what kind of friend would i be? easy. nothing of a friend. which them makes me wonder about my likeability factor. hmmm...i know that it's kinda stupid to wonder why anyone would actually *want* to be around me, but then i realize that my smiles come from being around others, so i can't complain too much. and yes, while i DO like being alone, i crave attention, i crave company, i crave someone there to hold me and kiss me and make me realize that life is just fine, when it's really not. i need to be lied to to know that i'm real...i need to be hurt to know that it's my life and not a fantasy. however much i loved living in my fantasy world, somehow, just somehow, this is better. i've found love, real love, i've found real friends, and i can smile a true smile now without having to cry inside. so i smile.