december 9~~midnight
"where did all the tears go?"

okay, so it's hard to type at a decent speed with nails, but i've got to get this out.

there's nothing of any real reason going on in my life to upset me, but i can feel the depression setting in. i pace, i think, i pace, i think. i try to make reason out of the downness i'm feeling, yet i can't seem to place blame on any single thing. i feel sad, with nothing to be remotely sad about. i'm spiraling...and i don't want to feel that way again.

i don't want the helpless tears, but i want something to fall down my cheeks. i want to cry, but with resolve. i want a reason to cry, not petty stupid shit that is always at the front of my mind whenever the tears *do* release themselves.

i want to be normal, but there is no normal. i want to feel the happiness i have around me, not stagnant need for release. i just want to cry. to cry and cry and cry.

maybe i just need to get out. just get away alone for awhile...just drive and think and sing and cry. or maybe i need to submerge myself in something. i don't know what i need...i just want to cry. there were many many nights that the tears just wouldn't subside, now they won't show their face.

god, i'm fucked up.