almost here...almost safe~~lunchtime
"outside...i'm outside"

i'm on the outside, i'm looking in. i can see through you. see your true colors. because inside you're ugly, ugly like me. i can see through you, see to the real you.

spinning downward again...and i need help this time. i need real help. i really don't think prozac is getting the job done. i don't think i'm getting the job done alone. and all these people who said they wanted to help are just standing on the outside. they don't see me falling. and all they know is that i'll reach out if i need them. but i won't...i can't. i don't know how. but that won't get anything accomplished. i have so much respect for those that can just tell someone how they feel. this is me calling for help. this is me asking for help. this is my plea for my tears. this is my pain coming out...and this is the only way i know how to let it out.

all this time that i've felt like this won't end...it's from you...and i taste what i could never have...it's from you. all those times, that i've tried, my intention, full of pride. and i waste more time than anyone...but i'm on the outside, i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. cause inside you're ugly, ugly like me. i can see through you, see to the real you.

you all try to help me, but you just tell me what i do wrong, you don't help me do it right. the only way i can change is if someone shows me how. it's deep...a deep spiral of depression that i want out of...i just want out. and i don't know how to get out...i lost the exit, everything is dark. dark. dark. like the darkest night without a moon in a secluded forest where the only sounds are your own silent cries for help. silent because there's nobody there to hear them...or they don't knwo where to look or they don't knwo how to recognize them. silent because you are scared of you and your thoughts. silent because silent is safe. safe from hurting everyone...again. and again. so you seclude yourself...knowing that you can't hurt them if they don't see you. you can't hurt someone that's not there. unless you're me. i can do that easily...and i want to know how to NOT do that. but i don't know where to start. so this is my silent cry for help amongst all the darkness inside me. someone told me last night that there are so many people here feeling what i'm feeling. but there's not. there's not. i don't know what to do...i don't know where to start. so i'm here...releasing it all...for mercy...for fear...for me. just for me. not for you, not for him, not for her...for me. because i need to get these thoughts out of my head. and all of y'all said you would listen...but i don't know how to talk...i lost all my words, my voice is silent...here are my words. here is my world. it's not healthy...i'm not healthy...i'm sick and i'm scared and i just need to cry a little bit more. only the orbs of my face are dry. whithering from release of tears...there's no more left. how do you cry your tears dry? i would have thought it impossible. utterly impossible. but not for me. my eyes are dry my heart is hurting...and i'm scared for me and for everyone around me. i'm scared for my true friends, for how they're going to deal with this. i'm scared for my parents...to have a dysfunctional child. they wanted nothing but for me to be happy...but i don't know how to be happy anymore. i know how to smile...occasionally. but i don't know anything but this pain...caused by me. caused by my mind. i knew something was special...how i could have amazing thoughts at such a young age...but i would have never guessed it would lead to this...this...this...fear. pain. tears. darkness. neverending.

all the times that i've cried. all this wasted, it's all inside. and i feel all this pain, stuffed it down, it's back again. and i lie here in bed, all alone, i can melt. and i feel, tomorrow will be okay. but i know, i'm on the outside, i'm looking in. i can see through you, see your true colors. cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me, i can see through you, see to the real you.