6-18~~3:15
"i want to be happy"

i want to be happy. i want to know what it is inside of me that yearns for love, that yearns for the companion of that one person. that one soul that can set me free. the one person that can open me up to the world, to let me shine, to let me show everyone the real me. i want to find the one heart that understands me, that sees me for who i am, that can see behind my mask of smiles, that can uncover my beauty. the person that sees my beauty sees my heart, lives within my mind and flourishes within the fact that he knows me. he wants to know me and he wants to be a part of my life. not my soulmate, but my secret. my secret life uncovered by him, for he sees through me completely. he can tell that i am worthful, he can tell that what i do is not what i want. he knows that i yearn to be loved, yet i know that he cannot be loved now. i live to please, but i only want to be happy. i am not happy within the lies that i live. i live to please others and that does not make me happy. i am not happy. why do i show others that i am? why is he the only one that makes me question who i am and the motives i have behind everything i do? i want him to help me find myself, before i leave behind everything and everyone i know. i know i will have to leave him, therefore i cannot love him. i cherish every moment we spend, whether i am asleep or whether i am alone with him. i do not love for what i know of love. love spins around me, breathing through other people, but just teases me with every person that graces my life. why is it that i cannot be loved? i am too anxious to find love, perhaps. but if this is so, why do i follow those around who cannot love me? why do i lose myself within a new person that i cannot love? because i have learned so much from him. he has shown me to live, no matter what mistakes you make, and to not let the little things in life bring you down. mistakes will be made, but choices can be made to counteract those mistakes. he is inspiring to me, and i love to be inspired. i love to be awed by knowledge and by flattery. i live for the smiles that i give others, but rare, true smiles are not often found upon my lips, as i savor those for the ones that touch my heart. for those special people that are showing me how to live, that are teaching me that life is more than what you do every day. life ends just as fast as it begins, and if you stop living, if you stop your happiness and rely upon others, you will die. your heart will yearn for others, your smiles will be based upon other people. but your true happiness myst be found within yourself. only i need someone to set me free. i don't need love, i need understanding. i need to know that not only am i wanted, but i am appreciated for who i am, for what i know and for what i can do. i need to see that i am good, i need to be shown how to smile, i need to live for who i am. only to live for me, i need to find me. i believe that he has the knowledge to uncover me, that is why i am drawn to him with such a feeling that i cannot explain. not love, not only lust, but yearning, yearning to know what it is that he has learned from life. craving the knowledge that he possesses but does not share. i believe that he also hides within his mind, and shows forth with an image of blase. an image that he does not care, an image that he knows all too well. i think he believes that if he shows he does not care, that he does not want to feel, others will run. if they want to fall, if they want to feel, they will run. but i refuse. i don't want to fall, i want to be carried. i can't help but to feel, but i can help falling. and i won't, i can't, because i cannot subject myself to the pain that accompanies. i cannot torture my heart with the burden of another right now. i do not want to be responsible for anyone but myself right now, but i do want to be wanted. i want him to want to see me, i want him to want to talk to me, just as i wish to divulge my heart to him. and i will. i must, as i believe that he is the only one that will understand me right now, or at least humor me with his attention. i may be wrong about his character, but if i am, i want to know it. i want to know what he is thinking as he reads this, as he learns about my mind, as he dives into my thoughts, only to find something that i am not sure he wants to know. i don't want anything permanent, as i cannot handle that. i can't be made to live within restraints, as i am not dependable to be responsible. i do want acknowledgment of who i am, and recognition of what i do. but i cannot find that within him, i know. i want to be recognized for what i think i possess, and he is the only one who enjoys my intelligence for what it is. i admire the fact that he notices it, and i love the fact that he likes to talk to me. so if i like all this, why do i mess up so much? is convenience not on our side? if not, why do i keep trying so hard? because i want him to open me up, but i don't believe he will do so willingly. that is why i am opening myself to him. that is why i am divulging myself to his mind, to his criticism of my heart and my thoughts. i want to know what he thinks of me, the real me, that hides behind my smiles, that so badly wants out. i am happy on the surface, and happy deep inside, it is everywhere else that i am not. i just want to show someone who i am. that i love to be held, that i love to be wanted, that i love to be treated like i am special. i know that i am special, but i want someone else to notice. i want someone else to see that i try to please others, when i should be pleasing myself. i want another person to notice the selfless acts that i do for him, the sacrifices i make to get him to understand me. that's all i want. i was drawn to him the first time we talked; i was drwan to his eyes, i was drawn to his smile, and i yearned to make him smile once again. i succeeded and i became entranced. i yearned for more and i realized that he was much more that i first gave him credit for. he thinks, he really thinks, and he loves to be awed. he jumpstarts my thoughts into overdrive and he makes me think about who i am, about what i want. and he makes me want to share it all with him. i want to just submerge myself within my words and show him everything. is that too much to ask? can i lose myself within my thoughts and show you who i am?