8-31-00~~11:15 pm
"help me..."

sarah maclachlan. beautiful...absolutely beautiful. her words are the only ones that can come anywhere near to what i am feeling right now. i have no idea how to begin to express what i'm feeling right now...for once i am stumped. i am out of words to explain my mind, out of thoughts to turn into comprehendable combinations of letters that any sane person can understand. i need companionship, i need someone to understand, i need someone to listen, to take my heart out of my hands and gently cradle it within their own tender hands and treat it as though it were gold. i need someone to comfort me, to cry with me and to make me smile as though there were no end to my happiness. i lack the comfort of a soul knowing my heart, knowing my pain and knowing my mind well enough to even attempt to delve into the depths of it, to try to see into my eyes, see through my eyes and understand who i am for what i am. to see behind my mask that i am always talking about, that i am beginning to believe that i'm actually growing out of. the mask that i have worn for years upon years to hide my heart, to hide my tears; my mask of a smile and glowing eyes. i'm beginning to show my heart to others; i'm starting to show others my true smile, whereas before i hid it deep within my soul to where nobody but those who were brave enough to dig that deep could find it. no longer do i run from myself. the best thing about that is that i am beginning to see who i am; i want to know why i am here, i want to know why i love and why i criticize, and why i seem to have a personality that attracts people. i want to know what it is about me that people see, why they trust me and why i can't seem to trust anyone with the truth. why do i create these falsities and hide behind them? i want to know who really loves me and who is truly infatuated and who just lusts after me. i want to know who i love, why i love them and where that love is going to take me. i want to know what it is that is keeping me from completely devoting my heart and soul to my lord, that is preventing me from being totally happy. people see smiles, nobody sees my tears. i admire jessica for her braveness. people criticize her, but nobody really sees how brave she is to let her emotions conquer her and to let them out. i stockpile my emotions, i trap them inside, only to let them out when i truly trust someone. why can't i trust those who put all their faith in me? and why am i so selfish that i let everyone down? i haven't met a person that i haven't shit on, that i haven't mistreated in some way. yet i still have friends; i have some of the best friends that a person can ever ask for.

sweet surrender...where is mine? it was supposed to be here, but i am lonely here, i am lost here, yet i am going through the motions that i'm happy, i'm going through my life day by day, showing only my smile, and hiding my tears at night. i want so bad to confide in someone here that understands, to find that one person who doesn't care that i open up to him/her, that will take my secrets and take my thoughts and nuture them for what they are, protect them with their mind, and tell me what they mean. i need someone who's been here, who's been lonely in a crowd of 200 people, who can tell me this is normal and who will support my head while i cry, who will give me tissues for hours at a time just to know that when i stop crying, i will smile. to know that once the tears are through i can live. are you out there God? can you hear me? i know you can, but where is my angel? and why did you lead me to indiana, so far away from everything i know and everyone i love? where do i go from here? am i supposed to stay here, am i supposed to force myself to love this place, give into the lies i tell everyone, or do i fess up to the fact that i don't know who i am and that it really doesn't matter? help me...anyone...from a torn and tattered soul to anyone out there reading...help me.