october 24th, 2000~~10:30 am
"matchbox twenty tells the story of my life"

"i'm not angry...there's never been enough. it gets inside of you and it tears you up. i'm not angry...i've never been above it. you see through me, don't you?"

i swear...matchbox twenty hits my heart like nothing else...every song, every word, every lyric is amazing. i can't even explain it...i just can't. those of you who know my mind and my musical obsession understand the depths of this attraction to the boys of MB20. it's unparalleled.

i talked to my bio professor today...and my chem and world cultures professors yesterday. they know what's going on and what's in store for the future...too bad i have no idea what's going to happen. i'm scared to death...but i am SO lucky to have such amazing friends that will be here for me through thick or thin, whether they are in texas, here or otherwise. another savior...my parents. right now they're in arkansas...only because it takes so DAMN long to get through arkansas...and they're on their way here to save me. to save me from what you ask? to save me from myself. from the terror of being me, only to uncover a better me...a happier me, that can and will get through anything. they're coming to rescue my heart and my mind from imploding upon themselves. i love my parents so much...they are truly amazing people. i can't even begin to show how much i appreciate them for every little thing that they do. i love my mommy and my daddy!!!

i also love angels in disguise...i can't quite place my finger on who it is...but someone's presence is uplifting my heart and lightening my mind...allowing me to see clearly, allowing me to see life for what it really is.

dr. cullen this morning told me that he finds my situation unusual with such intelligent students...only because we see everythingin everyone and everything and that it just drives us crazy. he told me that he admired my tenacity to keep going here...that too many people have given up and turned to everything that's comforting for them. they ran and i'm not. i've been told i'm brave...i think i'm scared...but i'm confident. my friends rely upon me to be a supportive crutch...now i need my friends to carry me. and i have no doubt that they will.

last night i had an interesting call for 2:45 in the am. it was none-other than the great aaron...i adore that boy. i really wish that i had the mental capacity and the opportunity to keep him for my own. it would be an amazing feeling...to be able to claim someone who complements me and likewise doesn't, so well. i can't explain the chemistry and the electricity and the closeness between us. it's unreal and it's completely real. but that's what the future is for...i can't have anything more now...and that's good.

i have to go take a shower...i've divulged enough for today...

abby

quote:

"If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby you need to come home

Cuz there's a little bit of something me

In everything in you"

-matchbox twenty, if you're gone...a song to me from several people at home...