9-13-2000~~11:45 pm
"where do i turn?"
how can 5 people that don't even know you comfort you and tell you everything will be alright, especially if they don't know what's going on? i'm so lost...so confused...so alone. i miss natalie...i miss kristine...i miss jill. i have a couple close friends here...but i'm still alone and lonely. i need someone here that will coax my tears out of me...anyone who knows me knows that i don't cry freely...i have to be coaxing...i have to be told that it's okay to cry...it's okay to hurt...and that everyone does. but nope...i hide it and i smile and i help others. and i'm so naive that i get hurt all the time...but that's me. nothing has changed...even though i'm 4 million miles from home. did anyone get that? 4 million miles from home. that's a lot. i'm telling you...i'm far far away. i miss home...and i'm trying to be happy here. trying really hard...but i'm not getting much help from anyone. everyone seems to be beating me down everyone chance they get, whether they know it or not...and it's hard. it's unbelieveably hard. but i'm making it on my own...and i'll be strong on my own...because that's how i am. i'm turning to the one person that will be here until i die...me. i'm sure there's lots of people out there that think i'm really fucked up in the head...and maybe you're right. but maybe not. maybe i have my head on straight and the world just keeps going on around me, ever moving, ever changing, with me just sitting here in my own little pathetic world, moping around as though someone cares. i need to be proved otherwise...i need the support. i'm sorry for trying to turn the best friendship i have here into something more. but i know it would work...but i'll wait. i'll wait. and i'm sorry i hurt you john. i did the unimaginable. i was told not to hurt you...and i did. i'm sorry. i have no idea why i'm turning this around on you...i hurt you and that's how it is. i'm sorry. i told you i always end up fucking things up, didn't i? see....but i try. i'm still trying. and until i can find something that seems to work...i'll keep trying. until then...i'll just keep driving people away...until i am alone and have to start over...and then maybe i will find what it is out there that i'm looking for...maybe someday i'll wake up not being scared of what i was going to do, how i was going to face the people remaining out of the relationships that i've fucked up. do i do the embarrassed hello? do i turn and act as though i didn't see them? or do i forgive myself and consume all the courage i have and approach them? too bad i'm a chicken shit. thank you dave for approaching me. thank you jerry for not giving up on me. thank you john for falling for me...i broke my own heart there and i'm sorry. thank you jen for being so patient with me...i know i'm a difficult person. thank you danielle, sara, sarah, candice, sally, anna, kaytie and everyone else on hughes 3rd main for being my huge shoulder to cry on, even when my tears don't make sense. thank you natalie and kristine for loving me unconditionally, no matter how many tims i hurt you both...i love you two and you know it. thank you copeland for loving me so deeply and so strongly. thank you aaron for teaching me to be myself...to live for myself...to love for myself, to love myself, for who i am. that intelligence IS attractive. thank you mom and dad for loving me since day one. thank you zach for letting me down easily, even though someone else did it. that's okay..i got the point. thank you jared for being there for me...even though sometimes i wasn't the best person...you rock. i love all my friends...at home...and here...i just want to find that thing that i'm looking for. and i don't know where to start. no idea.
goodnight my friends...
abby
quote:
"Help me remember the face I forget and the traps that I've sprung. I guess I've grown tired, it's just what's expected of me: to tear your heart form the inside to the outside. You know I was wired, I just couldn't help it the hundred, thousand times I hurt you."
