late at night~~hell, i don't know. i know
"my biggest fear"

i know this is going to scare a few of you out there, as it's been so long since i've let any of these feelings out...but hey...you all know that if i don't, i'll go insane. so...here goes.

in october i was diagnosed severely depressed. yay. go me. i admitted to someone that i wasn't happy...that i haven't been happy in years...and i don't know how to be happy. well, i did something about it. here comes good ol prozac. my friend. 20mg a day takes the tears away. it's all fine and dandy...but then...then...i go home. and i'm happy. i'm happy as hell...until i get ready to go back. then i want to be here...and i'm not happy at home. i'm here. i'm definately here. granted, classes haven't started, my roommate isn't even back yet, but still...i'm miserable. i can't tell anyone here this. there's only one person i want to talk to right now...and i'm scared to. i think about him all the freakin time...why are you in my head?!?!? why can't i get rid of you?!?! i'm crying. and i'm not happy. dave is playing, my hands itch like crazy...and i'm addicted. to what exactly i can't tell you...but my prozac is not making me happy anymore. i'm just miserable. i only hope things will look up when erin gets here...or else abby's going home. i have so much going here...but do i really? am i happy with the things i am doing? i don't know how to be happy...i still don't. he makes me happy...i have fun with him. i also had fun with the random other one that i couldn't have over christmas. he was tons of fun. but why can't i be happy? i keep finding people that i have fun with...but i can't have...or i can't be near...or something. it scares me like nothing else ever has. my greatest fear in life is slowly but surely coming true. i am terrified that i'm going to live my long, miserable life alone. now, i'm not dumb, i know i'll never be truly alone...but as far as love is concerned...it's not looking good. and i know i'm young, and i know i have a lot ahead of me...but is anything i want really going to happen? all my life i've wanted to be a doctor...i don't think i'll make it. i really don't. especially if you look at my effort the past three or four years. plus...it's probably not too good for someone as unstable as i am to be helping others. i'm just lost...and scared. extremely scared. and i just can't stop crying. the tears just keep falling...but i walk alone.