saturday, the tenth~~nighttime
"healthy convictions of my heart"

so i sit here, listening to an 80's song that i really like, wondering if what i think i feel is really what i feel? i think WAY too much for all of this to be healthy, but at least i get it out instead of harboring it all inside, curling it up for a rainy day when i can't handle it anymore. i'm a 5 foot 3 inch human of depressed thoughts and harbored convictions and a troubled past which i slowly reveal. i try to overcome daily aggravations by smiling and getting through my day and i just want to know if this is normal. i no longer think when i write; there's really no reason to. everything that comes out has been mulling through my mundane little mind for days upon years. i wonder who loves me for me...who knows me...who wants to love me for me. i love me, and i finally know that. i'm proud of that...but honestly, that doesn't give me shit for confidence. i just want someone to hold me and tell me that i am loved. i want someone to kiss my forehead just because they felt like they needed to kiss me right then and there. i want someone to hug me like there's no tomorrow...like if they let go, they're scared they're going to lose me. i want someone to notice that i can hug you forever...that i hate letting go...and that i don't care who has to wait for me. i just want that security. i once believed that there was someone out there for everyone...but now i'm scared that it's everyone but me. i have people who i could be with now, but twenty years from now...i have no idea. i just want to be loved. i HATE valentine's day...

abby