the 6th~~morning
"real just fades away"

it's hard when you realize that a part of your life is over...when such an integral part of finding out who you are and what you want in life has given up on you. it hurts to know that one of your best friends is gone...to see the words, not hear them, but see them, and to see them ask you not to reply. it's pain i wish i didn't have to go through, but me, being human, and being abby, always finds a way to fuck things up. true, the relationship wasn't always the best...in fact, it was just awkward. but it was real. it was probably one of the only real relationships i've ever had...one where false pretenses meant nothing and conversation was the key to closeness. but looking back does nothing but bring pain for now...and i have to realize the stakes on this one. in order to redeem what i had, i would have to give up everything wonderful i have going for me right now. and it just makes me think, was it worth it? for everything i gave up earlier for it, should i give in now? but i won't...there's too much to lose now. too many people count on me and too many people trust me. and i refuse to hurt him. he's been hurt too many times and i just care too much to do that. i'm thinking that this is a novel situation...that we've both been hurt so much...that neither of us will hurt the other. of course, that's what i say everytime. but maybe this time is different.

if i never do nothing, i'll get you back someday

worse comes to worse, i had a wonderful relationship with a guy that liked me because i was smart. my intelligence was attractive to him. it's a first...and i'm hoping it's not the last time it happens. and love. well, love is a dangerous thing. i think i lost all trust in myself with this one...i lost all faith in my ability to love...if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to know love right now. but i know i can love...and i know i can look past anger. this isn't anger though...this is pain. something that grew from harmless flirting to be the one thing that kept me going through my roughest times...and it's gone. that easy. just gone. and it's my fault. i mean yeah, situations didn't allow for things to be ideal, trust me, i would have rather been able to have a different kind of relationship, but i was happy with what i had. but i really think i turned to someone better to cause this one. i moved to something that would really make me a better person...to someone that really loves me for me...

that's a chapter full of pain, a season full of rain, a dark and stormy night, spent all alone

last words? i hope we cross paths again someday. it sounds strangely serene and peaceful...it's hopeful. it's wishful...it makes me want to try. not now, but eventually...just try again. i don't want to lose touch. i don't want to lose him. but i can't have what i did...there's too much at stake. i want the friendship. the friendship that was masked by all the passion. because i did love him...but not like i thought i did. he's one of the best friends i could ask for...someone that understands me better than i ever thought anyone could. someone real. real. that's rare and i had it, and i gave it up. i let it go...only to find it again someday. someday.