still october...still~~midnight
"i just can't stop crying..."

on friday i had someone ask me a peculiar question...one that i answered easily, with no thought or hesitation. and it was the truth...but it made me see the condition of my mind. it made me see the tears of my heart and the pain of being me. and i just want to stop crying...i just want to stop crying. i was just laying here watching a movie...a good one at that...and the tears just came. they just started convulsing and racking my body...and they won't stop. i don't know why i cry...or how to stop it...or where to turn. i don't know how to tell someone i'm sick...when one minute i can be completely happy and jubilant and free and smiling like there's no tomorrow...then the next i can breathe because i'm sobbing so fucking hard. i need help...and i thought my parents could help me. i thought that seeing them and getting medicine and telling someone my problems would help. but nothing is working. abosolutely nothing is working and i'm scared. i'm scared that my mind just cannot be saved. earlier today iwa s thinking...i was thinking that i might actually be able to make it here. that i might actually be happy one day. but now all i want to do is to go home...to sleep in my bed, to be conforted by my mom...to be hugged by my dad...to know i'm loved. i'm lonely and i'm scared and i'm lost and i'm confused and i'm an ugly ugly crier. but i just don't care...i just don't give a fuck. my tears are the only release of the confusion i have buried inside my head and i just have to let them my loose. i can't sleep with these tears coming down...i can't think. and i just called my mom...and i just can't stop crying. i need natalie...i need my mom...i need my dad. i need someone to stop these tears...because they're killing me...

abby