9-30-00~~1:30 pm
"failure is looming over my head"

why do i do this to myself? why do i let myself dwell upon the past? okay so yeah...today is my old friend lexie's birthday. anyone who knows what happened knows that it hurts me to remember her and everything that we once shared.

everyone here is so ready to go home for fall break...and see their significant others. jen sees her bf oct 14th...which means i'm kicked out of the room for the night. danielle gets to see adam next weekend. sara had a date with an AMAZING guy last night...wow. trey is great. no fair. everyone has someone...but not abby. but maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now. if i was meant to be with someone, i would be, right? right. i just want someone to hug me and i won't have to worry about him letting go...that i could hold on forever.

i've been thinking (and talking) about aaron a LOT lately...too much i think. i'm just really starting to miss him, and i wasn't supposed to. i wasn't supposed to think about him this much...not at all. he's not the guy for me. don't get me wrong...he's a great guy, but he's not right for me, not right now. especially since he's in texas and, well, i'm not. not to mention that we're two different types of people...maybe that's why we worked out so well. i just miss the conversations we had...he is SO smart...so incredibly smart. i can't even find someone here to compare to that. i can't seem to open myself to anyone here to let them know me...ME. i've told jerry a lot, but he just knows facts and actions. and he really doesn't know that much...just what he's read and the little i've told him. but nobody knows about my insecurities and my problems and my heartbreaks. nobody knows how i cry at night and how i really am just SO incredibly unhappy. but i can't tell anyone that. i can't. i'm the one who's always smiling and who's here for everyone else. i'm the supportive one...but who's here for me? "take the beauty, take the tears. sin and soaked heart make it yours." -jars of clay...

i love the people here, but i'm so scared of failing...i'm terrified of not fulfilling the only goal that i have left for myself. i gave up on my dream because i was scared i couldn't do it...i was scared. i was given a chance to play, but i was scared. realization of that hurts, but it's true. sorry dad. what will i be if i can't do what i've planned for myself? a failure? i can't leave here...i just can't give up...but what can i do? i don't think i can make it, but i don't see myself at school in texas...plus the fact that med school is just looming over my head, and it's at least 3 years ahead of me. not to mention getting through med school...riiight. everyone believes in me...and that in itself makes me so happy...makes me keep going. but i don't believe in me anymore...

i'm out...

abby