2-23-01~~ten in the morning
"words from a "true" friend"

what a great day this is going to be...honestly. i mean, i really know that nobody understands me, and i know that nobody can feel what's going on in my head. and i'm really sorry that nobody can feel the depth of my depression. but i'm trying SO hard to pull myself out of this...i'm trying. and in order for this to work, i need help. the walking on eggshells bullshit has GOT to stop. yes, i know you are reading this, because you signed my guestbook...and since i'm SO proud of your excellent understanding of me and your wonderful penmenship, i'm going to display it here. so please, tell me who you are...not so i can berate you or so i can be angry with you, because i'm doing this now and getting it over with. but i want to know who you are so i can stop thinking you are my friend...because you're not. you're really not. and the funny thing...i really don't think i have any here...but it's okay. because i'm getting by. i can prevail...and i will. so you can take your cruel words and shove them up your ass. oh, and you thought the words needed to be said, but you wree too damn scared of me to say them, huh? well, take this into consideration: maybe if someone would be so gracious as to TELL me how i'm treating them, since i obviously DON'T know and i can't see it...maybe it would change. so...time for the wonderful entry you left:

to nat: how can you berate someone for stating their honest opinion? and who are you to judge them? have you been here these last five months? have you dealt with the constant mood swings and the inevitable bitchiness that follows with every action we commit and every action that we don't commit? why don't we confront her face to face? we fear the outcome--intense anger, depression, isolation. if we try to be honest she takes it as a personal attack and instantly we are wrong; regardless of what we're trying to say. even something as trivial as declining to watch a movie with her, or run an errand for her is seen as a punishment on our behalf, or a way for us to be mean to her. we have been walking on eggshells, tip-toeing around trying hard not to incite an arguement or outburst. and in this we have been a bit aloof, not allowing ourselves to get too close, fearing that we would eventually get hurt. the farther removed we are, the less likely we are to get hurt. it is so hard to hold your tongue when the words need to be said. ask jill, most likely she knows exactly what we mean. finally the time came, and she couldn't hold back anymore. and yes, her words were harsh, hurtful even, but nevertheless there was truth in them. that is why her guestbook was signed, because someone wanted to acknowledge the words as true.